Family and Friends

There is no socially acceptable way to lose your job.

Job loss is predictable at some point in your career as birth and death in life.

• It's estimated that today's typical 30 years old white collar worker will unwillingly change employers at least once, if not twice or thrice, in the remainder of their career.
• Unemployment has now become the great equalizer. Unemployment affects every aspects of your life, which includes family member and close relations. When you're out of work, the issues, which already exist in your household tends to get more magnified than ever.
• Unemployment can become a channel for changes and an opportunity to resolve issues that may have been simmering on the back burner for years. It's the best case scenario. And the worst case scenario, unemployment can crack the foundations of weak families and become the eventual straw that breaks the camel's back.
• If you've had trouble communicating with family members in the past, unemployment aggravates this tendency or may likely make it even more difficult to talk openly.
• Job loss may even lead to the dissolution of your marital relationship if your marriage was tenuously held together by money or by the prestige associated with your profession.

Instead of empathy, support and concern, sadly, insensitivity, cynicism and feelings of superiority comes up in the family relationships. Relatives and family members may inadvertently hurt you with phrases like:

• Steve is still employed, so what really happened to you?
• This only proves what I've known for some time.
• I knew this was coming, the moment you told me about the fight with your boss.
• Poor dear, I can't imagine what the neighbors must be saying behind your back.
• How will you feed your family now? And so on.

How your relatives and friends can help.

You may be amazed to find that both your relatives and friends don't know how to react to your job loss, in many cases. The people, who you thought would help you the most, might end up helping you the least or might simply step aside. On the contrary, complete strangers, out of the goodness of their heart, might bent over backwards to help you.

Conversely, you can help your relatives and friends help you by making the first move.

• You can let them know that you are "Ok" and that it is "OK" to talk about the job loss process. It will help them overcome their awkwardness. You reach out to them before they do.
• You have nothing to be ashamed of and neither should your relatives and friends be.

More often than not relatives and friends need reassurance that you and the family are dealing as best as possible given the circumstances:

• Their concern may prompt needless probing into your affairs and unwanted advice. Recognize and appreciate a relative or friend's true desire to help.
• Don't be afraid of drawing firm boundaries to prevent awkward or inappropriate interference.
• Encourage your relatives and friends to assist you throughout the re-employment process by providing job leads, encouragement, humor and fellowship.
• In the process you'll learn very quickly who your true friends are and who your "work acquaintances" were, who your family members in truth are and who are in times of prosperity alone. It can turn out to be a painful lesson in reality, but it pays to learn who is genuinely on your side.

You're in it Together

It's also important to keep the love bond in your family while you're unemployed. If you can't go out or hang out like you used to do, you can still set a meet at home. The important thing is to have fun together. Few things you can plan to do at home together:

• Dance together in your favorite music.
• Pour a favorite drink, make an ice cream sundae or grab some munchies and have fun talking with each other.
• Make popcorn and watch a favorite video.
• Overall do your favorite things.

There isn't much about the benefits of job loss, but the payoffs are real. There was someone who once said "The best thing that ever happened to me was my job loss". For instance, when Ashley lost her job, she and her husband decided to withdraw their daughter from daycare to save money. Ashley became her primary caretaker and she was there to see her baby take her first steps. As Ashley explained, "I spent ninety percent of my time on the road when I was working. If I'd been still employed, I certainly wouldn't have seen my beautiful daughter take her first steps in the world."

Emotional Impact on Family

Your family members may experience the same emotions that you experience while you're unemployed. The Emotional Impact on family equals that on you in terms of its stage. However it doesn't follow the same pace as it does to you. If the impact on you and your family were attuned, unemployment would be a bit easier for everyone. You could work through the grieving and healing process together and offer each other mutual support every step of the way. But that's generally not how it works.

You have to keep abreast of which stages of Emotional Impact your family members are experiencing. Your goal is to support your loved ones while you're unemployed.

• Make a special effort to ask how everyone in the family is feeling and what you can do to help, no matter what you're yourself going through.
• Don't just assume that your family members' concerns and emotions will be in synch with yours.

It would also be wise to bear in mind that your unemployment affects your children in special ways.

• Younger kids will probably not understand enough about your job loss to react to it in the same way as the adult members of your family. That doesn't mean they'll be unscathed by your unemployment or that the grief doesn't affect them.
• Kids may trigger surprisingly adult emotional reactions such as fear and panic; they will obviously feel the anxiety and tension that pervades your home.
• Take the time to offer an age-appropriate explanation of your job loss to your kids. Emphasize the fact that any consequence of your unemployment will be short lived and that the family can collectively handle any problems that may arise.

Second Hand Job Loss

In many respects, your family member's grief will be less intense than yours. Unemployment will create ups and downs in their lives. It's you, not your family who have been cast out from the working world.

• Your professional routine has been devastated.
• You are the one, who will have to launch your career identity afresh, not your family.
• Since you're the one who's out of work, you're the one in control of the reemployment process and you're able to call all the shots.

Your family members and other relatives can empathize with you but their experience of your job loss is second hand.

• They are only experiencing sudden cataclysm and uncertainty in their lives, but unlike you, their daily routine and over-all identities have not been violated.
• They may often become frustrated for you, even as you encounter the daily frustrations and the continuous process of trial and error during the re-employment process.
• Remember! Family members can only watch from the sidelines of the job search battle and provide emotional support.

Mistakes and dead ends are a part and parcel of the job search process and it's never easy for you or your family to tolerate. Knowing this at the beginning will help everyone in the family cope with failures.

Rising Tensions

Even a minor irritation can erupt into significant conflicts while cycling through the stage of grief. You might find yourself in emotional roller coaster where the highs are higher and the lows are lower. Tension can reveal itself in many ways.

• A small slipups, life failing to take out the trash or leaving the dishes in the sink can become trigger points for big battles.
• Jealousy may arise as your spouse goes off to work every day leaving you behind to stare at the ceiling.
• Kids can unintentionally hurt you by demanding gifts you can't afford or bringing up broken promises.

It is equally true that all the tension is your household doesn't originate with other; some of it begins with you.

Your livelihood has been unceremonious snatched away from you; so you're susceptible to any or all of the following condition:

• Exhibition of erratic behavior
• Surge in unpredictable, emotional outbursts.
• Making impulsive, inexplicable choices.

Here's what you can do to stem the negative effects of rising tension and moods:

• Make sure everyone in family understands that unemployment is a temporary condition and not a disease. Emphasize that the tension and the moods will pass.
• Sometimes the solution is as simple as leaving the room when hostility surfaces. Intervene when your family member try to turn each other into scapegoats.
• Increase your level of daily exercise. You'll feel better both physically and emotionally.
• Find productive ways of Anger Management.

Other Options

You can take some other steps to maintain a stable and positive domestic life while you're unemployed. These actions fall into three main categories: communicating, reestablishing yourself in a new role, and maintaining ordinariness.

Communicating:

Open and honest communication is a critical part of helping your family through the trauma of your job loss. Pace setters - people who rebound from unemployment most quickly and successfully - typically make their spouses and their children partners in their reemployment efforts.

• They gently break the news of their job loss as soon as it happens, so they don't have to learn about it from another source.
• During the job search process, they update their spouse and children as much as possible, always reassuring them without alarming them.

Family members can pat you on the back, act as guides, and help you celebrate your accomplishments while you're out of work. However, you need to separate your personal family life from the job search process.

• Ensure that the reemployment process doesn't prevent you from giving time to the family.
• Encourage family members to not grill or take the role of taskmasters.
• Instead, find buddies in them to ask how many letters you've sent out, when you plan to make follow-up phone calls, etc.
• Communicate, communicate, and communicate.

Encourage your family members to share their feelings with you, and share yours with them.

Your livelihood has been unceremoniously snatched away from you, so you're susceptible to any or all of the following conditions:

• Your spouse, children, and other relatives may want to soften the blow of your unemployment by hiding their fears, frustrations, and disappointment.
• It's your job to gently ally their fears with kindness and sensitivity.
• Don't let them suffer silently.
• Do whatever it takes to keep the channels of communication open.

Re-establishing Yourself in a New Role:

While you're out of work, you need to redefine your responsibilities and priorities.

• This is especially important in a two-household family.
• If your spouse is away all day, it might make sense for you to take on his or her domestic chores.
• You may use your free time to cook dinner, get the dry cleaning, shop for groceries, pick your kids up from the daycare center, drive your children to after-school events, etc.

However, your reemployment efforts must get top priority.

• Finding a new job is your foremost priority.
• Be sure that all family members are clear about their expectations and reassignments of household chores. Don't assume more than your fair share of responsibilities out of a misguided guilt or shame about the fact that you're unemployed. Ultimately, that could sabotage your job search.
• Never compromise the vital importance of keeping your reemployment actions separate from family life.
• You can't look for a job twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
• Make time to be a parent, spouse, and part of the family.
• When you're finished with the day's job-hunting efforts, leave it behind, so you can fully participate in whatever is on your family's agenda.

Maintaining Ordinariness:

Unemployment can affect virtually every aspect of your life:

• Your daily routine
• Social interactions
• Steady income
• Community standing

All of the above, and many other things, have vaporized along with your career. In the face of that, how can your family life go on unperturbed?

• Expect practical changes in your household to accommodate your new financial realities. But you don't have to sacrifice your family's mental health or sense of security in the process. Work hard at protecting the ordinariness of your life.
• Don't make any major life decisions, such as moving to a less expensive house, selling your assets, among others, until the dust has settled.
• A defeatist attitude won't solve your monetary problems either. Proactive efforts to preserve critical aspects of your family's life will.
• Let your lenders, creditors, and utility companies know that you've lost your job and negotiate temporary payment plans with them. Stress your intention to pay your debts in full as soon as you can. You may run into stumbling blocks, but your persistence will likely pay off.

Quality of Life Issues

After you've taken care of the most important household matters, you should turn your focus on quality of life issues. Your family members should not be denied the enjoyments of life for too long just because you are unemployed. With a bit of creativity, you can find inexpensive ways of getting out and doing things together.

• Check your local library for free museum passes. Many museums also offer no-cost admission one day a week.
• Seek out restaurants that have special discount offers and kids-eat-free specials.
• Explore affordable events, such as kids' concerts, plays, or puppet shows.
• Go for family drives to surprise destinations, such as a beach, a friend's or relative's place, a conservation site, etc.
• Focus on abundance instead of scarcity, whenever you can.

You may not be able to take your spouse and children to see first-run movies, but you can still borrow videotapes from the library. When you are short on cash, you can always pack a picnic lunch and go to a neighborhood park. You can enjoy the scenery, munch on your sandwiches, and share your feelings. In the end, it might prove to be one of the best days of your life.

Keep Romance Alive

Apart from tying up logistical and financial loose ends, you also need to consider personal relationships. As a company employee, you have been part of a professional network that included colleagues, associates, vendors, customers, clients and the public. Now that it is time to say goodbye to your colleagues and coworkers, it won't be easy for any of you. You will somehow have to face it and find a way to say adieu.

Preempting the information flow is the first step in easing the pain of separation. This means that you should be the bearer of the news yourself rather than newscasters and rumor mills. You will have to do all you can to beat the gossip at the news of your imminent departure. One important thing, be sure to tell everyone the same story , the one that you and your employer have agreed upon in advance about the reasons behind your departure from the company. While it is only natural that you will feel the urge to "blast the boss" and "trash the company," it will be wise to keep yourself from doing these. Blowing off steam can make you feel better, but it won't make your situation any better. On the contrary, it could make it much worse for your future career prospects.

Sometimes, the employer might ask an employee to delay telling people about his or her imminent departure, especially if they are in the process of closing an important deal with a third party. In such cases, you'll want to comply with your employer's wishes both to keep the peace and to benefit the company. In some cases, you may be forced to leave the company before you even have a chance to say break the news to your coworkers and the other people concerned. In such a case, you will have to work a way to ease the blow and put a positive spin on your departure. You can orchestrate a gracious exit by making phone calls or sending letters of farewell to everyone on your address list. Make sure you thank everyone for the help they gave you during your time in the company.

By showing gratitude to the people that have helped you in the past, you will be able to create an important bridge that will serve you well in the future. One never knows who will be able to help you jumpstart your career, when you're ready. Staying connected will be more helpful than distancing yourself from all the people you have worked with while you were at the company.

Understand the "Hidden Benefits" of Unemployment

Job loss obviously drags families through intense emotional stress and discomfort. But also it's full of hidden benefits.

• Some feel more secure about their future after they lose their jobs and later enjoy successful reemployment. As one professional put it: "The worst thing that could possibly happen to me - getting fired - did happen. And I lived through it.
• Others find that unemployment provides them with an opportunity to rethink their priorities and reflect on what's most important to them.
• Their focus inevitably shifts away from fast cars and fancy shoes to a simpler way of life, as they embrace fear about job loss.
• Play a favorite board game or card game, anything that makes you enjoy yourselves.

Use these times to tell your spouse how special he/she is to you (how intelligent, how thoughtful, how loving, how caring, etc).A simple romantic ritual can give your relationship the boost it needs - regardless of how the job search is progressing.